Down

At some point of your life, you feel like everyone is against you. You trying to cover the sadness with anger. You get pissed of by everything around you. You feel like there is no more people you can depend on and no where to go. So you end up keeping it inside and act like nothing happened. To tell you the truth, i get immediate by a lot of people. Its doesn't matter if you call me hot or cute or smart, i still feel like a loser. Its not like i don't appreciate the compliment. It just because i fail to make myself happy. The weird thing is i know i don't need them to be happy but if i can make myself happy, who will? I just stare at the computer screen and hope that the feeling would go away. I went offline pretend im not on the internet world and i open my tumblr (where i express everything about myself) My face expression will be the same. I can feel like my heart is getting scratch and it is painful. I went silent all night. Maybe if you were here, you can tell that im sad because i don't now where else can i hide this face. People are cruel. And i am one of them. But they made me like this. I hate to be that kind of bitch but turns out i am becoming like them. Well im a very bad faker. But i fake my sadness with anger. Its close enough. Its just like, for one moment, i just wanted to feel like im very important in someone's life. That i know the one who i care the most will never leave me like everybody else. And i can finally say ''so happy i could die''

Honesty

Being honest is hard. Trust me, i know. People make up lies and pretend so they will be accepted. No matter who the hell they are. Nice, mean, boy, girl. They lie. Lie is such a strong word. Maybe people rarely being honest with each other. I admit that i lie. I lie to my parents. I lie to my friends that im fine. I lie that im not hungry. I lie that i don't like that boy. I dont enjoy it, but im doing this cuz it makes me feel safe so no one would know how i feel. I would like to keep my feelings to myself. But now, i see a lot of different people. People who are nice and mean. People who i trust and don't. People who i like and hate. I learn to be honest. Cuz for me, being honest is important. With honesty people will knw the truth about you. Common, would you rather sit with that person and describe everything about you for hours? Honestly i lie a lot. But now i just don't feel like lying. Its tiring. I still lie but im trying my ass off to be honest. Im being honest with the one that i love. Im honest with friends. Truth describe everything i think. But sometimes the truth make everything seems like a lie. I gotta tell you. It hurts like hell to know something that you wish you didn't hear it. Truth can be hurtful but i rather being hurt than living with lies. At least you'd learn something. I am happy if people accept my honesty. So far its going good. Its been a while since i think about this. There's a few of people who inspired me to be honest and nice. Im not a nice girl but at least im trying to be honest. I try not to hurt people's feelings but unless they hurt mine, i will hurt theirs. This blog is boring. I know -.- there is SO much more i need to say but im tired. Im doing this because im about to go to bed. Its 9.13 and yes i knw its early, but im tired and i just wanna do something before i sleep. Who knows i wont be awake tomorrow. Let me get this straight. I love life. I love the world i live in but some people would just like to fucked that up and that makes me mad. Cuz i love life and i'll do whatever to keep my smile. Sorry for the lame uninspired blog. I'll try to better. Im tired and i cant think. So this is just what i can let out.

ANNOYED

Yes, I feel annoyed by everyone right now -.- And yes, I have a lot of problems right now. I hate my Family, i hate my life, I hate the air i breath and I hate this fucking bitch hot weather. I get annoyed easily. Everything that i ''hope'' for, ruined. Its like everything i do, doesn't seems to work. I am moody. I've been moody since past week. But its ok. Im used to it. Its sad right that you can say something like ''im used to it'' because the same shit always happened to you and you never fucking bother to change it. Honestly i am fine with it. I like being miserable. Maybe its because i like to cry. Yes, i cry all the time. Fuck it. Crying makes me feel good. After i cry i go online and hear some loud song and dance to it. But right now all i can say is my MOM AND WHOLE FAMILY is fucking annoying. Except my brother. I really really wanna go out. Not to enjoy but to go somewhere where no one yelled at me all the fucking time im home. Kutuk my way of speaking english. Or even bother to know weather i did my homework or not. I fucking study ok. I just don't want to show you like a fucking pretender. The only moment that im truly happy is at tuition. Im happy learning and laughing like a retarded. Seriously we laugh like there's no tomorrow. Its was loud and honest. There's my amazing teacher I've ever had, Cikgu fizam. Erin Izzati and Nabilah kamarzman and Ruzain. I love this people so much. Before we start our lesson we will bought something like food so we all can eat. I love the way we share our moment, we talked and laughed with each other. It was a pure honestly. So that was the only time i didn't felt any annoyance by people around me. I don't knw. I just feel annoyed by everything. Maybe it won't last. Maybe it will. Oh god. I just wanna go away for a while. Alone. I just need to think :'( Let me think peacefully. Please mama don't shout or judge me. Please friends don't ignore me. Please boy, don't hurt me :( Im just a girl. Sometimes people notice me, sometimes they don't. I don't care being invisible but i don't want to be invisible in front of someone that i care. See, its tired you know caring about someone who doesn't care about you. I should stop cuz this is waaaay too long and most of them is about my feelings. See how annoying is that. If someone ask me to read their blog full with emo shit and feelings, i would be annoyed. See, told cha i get annoyed easily :)

Feels like Home

I was inspired to write this blog by this one song that im currently listening to. Feels like home. Im not talking about an actual home. Im talking about that feeling that you feel so fucking comfortable for the first time. That feeling that finally someone gets what are you trying to say without saying it. Its amazing how people act differently feels exactly the same way. My kind of ''feels like home'' is

Tumblr 
Oh my god, its amazing how you can reblog or see what's new. 1 hour is never enough. There's always something amazing that i need to see. It is sooooo much more than i expect it to be. It can be beautiful, it can sad, it can be true, it can be inspired. Different county but same tumblr and pictures. All of the quotes are accurately fits the whole idea. Its like they are reading my mind. No one can even say it out loud exactly like how tumblr express it. That's why i said that i can't live without internet. Because tumblr is in it. No matter what kind of image or news or quote are you looking for, tumblr has it. Im trying so hard to tell you how does it feel but i just can't because this is my home. My kind of people and my kind of happy place. I could not think of a better site than tumblr. All this time i was online, There must be this 3 website that i open first. Facebook, tumblr and youtube. I get easily bored with facebook and youtube is just like an ass if there's a bad connection. But tumblr is easy. All i have to do is scroll down and down and down until i see something that caught my attention, then i reblog it. Everything and i mean everything that i reblog is kinda something that's going on my mind. Certain images i reblog is cuz its pretty but some of them is what i felt or feel. Im a bit worry about tumblr because its kinda effecting my education and my time. Its like a freakin time machine or something. It suck time. Wow, that weird. Hahaha, but its true. So, i just have to be stronger i guess. I need to fight for spm. NAAAH,who am i kidding. I'll nver gonna stop. Ya Allah.

Judge

People judge. We can't deny it. We judge people all the time. We get angry if people judge our looks or life. But why are we doing the same thing? Do we think that we're good enough to judge people. I know we judge our enemies. But not everyone is fucking perfect. And not everyone is bad. Honestly i think that the moment we judge someone is the moment we thought that we're a bit better than the other person. Honestly, i judge people. I judge people a lot. I judge people with good looks are snobbish and unfriendly. I judge all the rempit are disgusting and poor. I judge anyone who judge me. But once i think about it, there is soooo many people with different life style. If we are meant to be the same, why Allah create us so differently then? Judge. Judge. Judge. Or other meaning is Jealous towards other fortune. Its fun to judge. For people who has brain, they might judge someone but they take it as a lesson. Meaning, they don't do what they dislike. But others, they judge but they are the one that create that shit at the first place. I hate say this but judging people is fun. You feel alot better. It would be more satisfy if your friends agree with your judgment. Ok, they say that dont judge a book by its cover, but in this world that we live is full of fakers and poser. Now, what you see is what you get. If there is still people who are kind or easy say, fucking rock ! Please, i beg, please step out and show the world who you really are. I don't really have any lesson or those gay stuff but i just wanted to point out that EVERYONE JUDGE.

Indescribable Feelings

Many many times i felt Happy, Sad, Angry and Normal. But the only thing that i can't get away with is ''indescribable Feelings'' The only feelings easy come and so hard to get it out. When comes to this point, normally i'll just speechless and breath more. My breathing increase and my eyes stay wide open. But usually this happens when i mad. But when im just in my room alone, with no computer on, i would just lay down and stare. I was looking at something but not thinking about it. I would just stay blank. Think about stuff i did or i want to do. Im not mad or sad or anything. I just felt blank. Is kinda interesting if you ask me. But at one point i feel sad. Sad of things that im not capable of doing. Sad of past feelings and sad of many things. I'll stay quite and i close my eyes. People say if you close your eyes, you see better things. Well its true. I know its just an imagination but imagination is the only way you can be happy with your creation. Where else can you see your happiness other than your heart. When im sad, i feel like there no hope. Like nothing in this world can help. I feel like everyone is selfish and avoiding me. I couldn't think of anything better. But i try and guess what, it work. Even though its just an imagination. It makes me smile again. I think of how lucky and comfortable my life is. Not that i enjoy to see people's pain, but it make me realizes that im not that bad. I have so many things that i have and i can't tell you how great full i felt. That is the meaning of Indescribable Feelings for me. Feelings that only you can understand and cannot be told. Not because its a secret, but its feelings that apart  of you that just can't let go.

HATENESS

(Deep breath) Today is a very tiring and cranky day. It cause by lack of sleeps and tons of homework. Right now i feel so EXHAUSTED and i literally had a hard time breathing. This feelings is soo undescribable. Im so cranky and my hate-ness feelings is incressing. So i pick this day to write about everything that i hate. Which is a loooot. Im sorry if this is related to you but this is my feelings bitch and MY blog. So i cant write whatever the hell i feel like ok. So here we go
- I hate feeling lonely and hopless
- I hate when im about to do something and people still ordering me to do the things that im about to do
- I hate oily face (makes me feel super dirty)
- I hate Jerks
- I hate posers
- I hate when someone says the same thing over and over again
- I hate when someone disturb when im having a deep conversation with someone
- I hate people who hate cats
- I hate my skin
- I hate my face
- I hate someone who judge my interests
- I hate people who sings badly
- I hate malay actors
- I hate smoker
- I hate math
- I hate crying baby
- I hate people who look at my boobs
- I hate disgusting people
- I hate bitch who always get the guy she wants
- I hate eating alone
- I hate wake up in the morning
- I hate pressure
- I hate songs that is TOO emo
- I hate people who dont start a conversation
- I hate being broke
- I hate people who show off their things
- I hate emo FB status
- I hate when im watching something good on tv and someone change the channel
- I hate my school
- I hate my bed
- I hate my cloth
- I hate guys that thinks he's so hot
- I hate rude driver
- I hate my phone
- I hate when im really hungry and there's nothing to eat
- I hate if there's no internet
- I hate the person who get everything they wants
- I hate people when they talk sounds like their screaming
- I hate books
- I hate when people ask me to calm down when im real mad
- I hate feeling lousy
- I hate looking at hot girls
- I hate wave heat
- I hate .....

Well, there's a lot more. I just cant remember it right now. So here you go and have fun reading. Man, i am so tired and emo right now. FUCKBITCHBABIPANTATPUKIMAKCELAKA :)